Erratic Akratic

I’m so exhausted I can’t even seem to move or form words. I somehow still had a pretty sparkly mood where I was able to feel excited about the next hour or even next 10 minutes in anticipation and adrenaline.

Then after the call and I genuinely think… it’s emotional abuse? I can’t tell if I’m too lax and those are very minimal requirements/ standards or it was actually some kind of malignant emotional transference. It’s just that after that call — I felt very dysregulated in such an intense and dissonant way that the initial onset shock lasted almost 2 hours in dissociation.

Anyways, I’m able to travel with a homebase and my life is really cool. I still feel the after effects of the abuse writhed in guilt but hopefully I meet a lot of healthy and happy friends here who aren’t faking confidence and distributing that superficiality to their support network. Hopefully I minimize that exposure too. I’ve been contemplating what kind of persona I should consistently deliver, and I think charming, graceful and reserved is the best profile so far. Something more harmonious and mentally present outside of my other lives and negative memories.

why the fuck do i have to reply to like 400 messages a day or something. I checked my notificaiton logs and i feel like this stuff is not the average. im so drained i zoned out for several hours undable to even commubnicate. ]

Time to go on a walk and reply to all the social messaging platforms and read a bubnch of toxic bullshit from grown ass adults that can’t fucking regulate their own emotions and ghave to fucking project that emotional burden onto me.

sigh…

updating my perosnal voice though to share acorss icloud devices to do tts and speak screen or typing feedback to combat the vocal strain.

lets go see what these motherfuckers have to bitch about to me

I feel this in the deepest of my veins. Apparently I’m not considered straight gay though — more so queer.

also I start thinking of some math for either tutoring or pitching and then suddenly I start bumping Ayesha erotica for hours and get distracted.

got extraordinary on The Pattern and 3 synchronistic transits

maybe this is just what it’s like to date an Aries actually. Guilty.

I’m in cape cod then going back to Boston and sf yay 1 more day

My fucking eyes don’t fucking work and I can’t fucking see and also hands are numb and not functional. wish it would stop being in so much fucking pain and i could see. i think its just vision loss in one eye though but tired of trying to tape another one shut and looking stupid. ill go smokeand readand hpefully itll go back to normal .

Today I did some insane things. I honestly believe that sometimes I’m probably going straight to hell.

It was fun.

I’ll figure out this later.